Spring you always seem to let me down.



Take me back to that first day.
That first day you grabbed my hand and just smiled and laughed.
God how I need it now.



It's those pills that you don't need to take,
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.
It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.

Apparently Ive been left with three options thanks to the stupid divorce.
1. Stay in Michigan, live with my sister and her 3 children and I'll be forced to attend Henry Ford.
2. Move to Las Vegas, stay with my other sister attend whatever school and get stuck with 2 crazy children running wild as well as leaving those most important to me.
3. Move to California, go to whatever school and be left with only my mother and leave all those most important to me.

I really hope things change dramatically because none of these options are suiting me right now.

I dont want to leave my mom especially if she's as sick as its sounding like she is again, yet I really dont want to leave everything Ive always known.
I dont want to move to Las Vegas, I really dont want to be an obligation to my sister especially not why she's just settling in down there.
I dont want to go to Henry Ford or stay in a house that barely fits the 5 people already in it or be an obligation for them either.

God this all sucks so bad. I wish I could change my past choices so badly now. I guess all I can do is pray that something happens and I dont have to make this decision.

i bitch way too much lately.
how gay.

i wish i had no morals.
i wish i had no feelings.

I think my life would be easier that way. I hate letting people down especially when I have to do in to make someone else feel better.

Isnt putting everyone before yourself supposed to be a good thing? Shouldnt I feel good about it?
Well maybe Im a shitty person but I dont.

I just want this divorce to be over with.

this spring breaks gonna be swell.
i can already see that.
i dont know what im gonna do considering everyones busy and or leaving.
not to mention no $$.

I think im gonna try my hardest to not party at all. I realized that half the time im doing it now its just to make everyone else around me more amusing since everythings gotten so gay around me.
Which really makes no sense to me. I dont understand how anything can be gay and old around me when everything seems to be changing nonstop.
Everything is so unfamiliar. I feel like im in my own little world today and i cant seem to snap out of it.

I wish i could take every person that i have a problem with and put them on an island with no civilization and those that im just bothered with in a closed confinement untill im ready to put up with them again.

Im sick of everyone depending on me and just expecting me to be there to pick up their peices. Fix your own lives and quit coming to me with your problems. I have enough of my own Im not being selfish or a bitch, im just really at my wits end. And dont take this directly about you if you happen to read this because its about numerous people i come in contact with daily.



I use this wayyy to much to vent. I really need to quit but its such a stress reliever so i think i may just put it as private. whatever.


I GOT NEW JOKES.
im real excited about that.

i use this to vent way too much.


I think not being able to trust the ones that i love the most is going to be the death of me.
I dont know whom I hate more. Me for being like this, or the few select that has lead me to be this way.



You know this is to you because youre basically the only one who looks at it:

Im sorry im so bull-headed. I called to apologize to you. I couldnt bring myself to do it because Im so angry and im not willing to listen to what you have to say just yet.  I dont think im angry with you as much as myself. I just hate being lied to.  Im sorry for having such little trust. Im not asking you to take drastic measures and i never did in the past. Im asking for the whole hearted truth no matter how much it may upset me, always. I love you. I hope you know this.
And yes of course i want to be with you. always and you know this.
"i hope this didnt hurt you and make you not able to sleep"

shits fucked up.
God I hate being lied to.



Everything thats going on around me is so weird and uncomfortable. Way too much is changing and I dont know how much of it I'm ready for or even trust.



10 people. 10 things i'd like to say.


1. I look up to you. Its probably creepy but I do. You're a kind, generous, thoughtful and you're so intelligent its amazing. I feel awful for something I said to you a few months ago, although it was minor and I know you dont remember. It upset you and that upsets me. You're one of the few people I feel doesnt deserve any bad in their life.
2. I love you but im so sick of taking care of you. I hate being depended on so much and taken forgranted. Half the time I dont think you have any idea the things I do for you. Everyone else seems to see it but you. I really wish you would see what it was like without me for like one week but im too scared to do that to you.
3. Im sorry. Im sorry that Im not understanding enough about everything going on. Im sorry that I dont talk to you about my feelings, or even listen to how you feel for that matter. Its too hard. Im trying though. I hope you realize this. I love you.
4. I miss you. I hate to say it but sometimes i wish you and your boy werent as close because i miss you and i know so many others do too.
5. I love you so much but I have absolutely no trust for you and that sucks.
6. I love you so much as well but Im so weary to give you any trust. Not after my past and the little things that add up and make no sense. I hate being lied to. What I hate even more is I know it happens frequently and I let you get away with it because deep down I dont want the truth. Or maybe Im just paranoid? whoooo knows.
7. I hate every time I see you. Its awkward. I hate every phone conversation, text, and or message we have because I dont know what to say but at the same time im so happy we've become mature enough for a friendship/aquaintences. Id love to ask you a zillion questions and get inside your head but the only thing I really really want to know is that you're happy now.
8. You suck really bad. I hate everything you've done and how much you hurt my family. You're a pos and it makes me laugh when you pretend like you give two shits about how i am. You know how I am and how the rest of my family is because you put us here.
9. I wish we were close again.
10. I wish you'd quit trying to get to me. I wish you'd give up crawl in a little corner and let me have my life and the people in it. You're old news. Realize it.

I hate being on my period.
Im so fucking cranky and needy.
Shoot me in the head.






                                  

I dont think I've been this happy in my entire life.
I love you Jimmy Emery Hunter.
Tonight was amazing.



I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I have 3 essays to write and like 9 math assignments to do.
Wonderful.
Oh well at least tonight was good.





And you think of me as being constant a something that never goes away
Well I can't keep being the shoulder you lean on without any appreciation
I'm sick of you coming to me, only when there's something you need.

Second post tonight.
Whateverrr i dont care.

I just wanted to say its funny how love changes everything. How it can push people together or even apart. I just read a letter I wrote back around this time last year. Everytime I used to read it I cried; this time I didnt. This made me really happy.


I love you Jimmy Emery Hunter. You treat me so well.
   =]

Well this works better than myspace bulletins. I have the satisfaction of knowing what I want to say is written, not that I'll have all that much to say or anything important or worth reading but you know.


Today I got to see Jimmy again. It was so good. Good isnt even the way I want to put it it was perfect.


On another note, the venting part.
I loath spring. I know its supposed to be wonderful; out of winter and such but honestly spring is the worst time of the year for me always. I cant wait to graduate and get out of my house. I havent a clue where Im going or with what money but I just want out.

-I hate that because I'm forcing my mom to let me make my own decisions its also forcing us apart. I hate how stubborn she is and how spiteful she can be.  Its really quite insane how you can know someone since before you were even born yet things like having or in some cases not having love, consistency, adoration and attachment can tear people apart so much.

Honestly I'm not happy anymore. I havent been since roughly January? Only two people can cheer me up and slightly bring me up from the low I've been in. I hate that. I used to be the one cheering everyone else up and giving advice not getting it. I dont like depending on people and crying randomly. I really just wish that the divorce would be over, I graduate and find a suitable college that isnt too expensive, my mother gets over her inner bitch, and my life to start being stress free again.
Actually no. I just want everything to quit changing. I dont do well with change. I never have and I highly doubt I ever will.

I'm not trying to be blah blah blah i hate my life because I dont. I've been raised well with many opportunities that most people havent had.